Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
