so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
