The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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