my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
