don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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