I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize