Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
