the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
the liver wants what the liver wants
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
