u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
