I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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