Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
