New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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