I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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