I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I need a beard to bite.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
