I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
