I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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