Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
