I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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