I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
