Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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