I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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