i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
