Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
