my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
