can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize