Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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