she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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