and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
