why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
