the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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