Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
