I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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