ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
