I am spending my child support on dildos
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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