Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
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