matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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