how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
