pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
