I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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