im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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