My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
