So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
