It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
