At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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