I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
