im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
