I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
