Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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