Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
