I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think people are normalizing furries
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
