My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
