my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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