Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
