i permit you to call me
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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