looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize