Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize